A Lost Duck
I’ve been home nearly 3 weeks now, and I don’t really know what to tell you. The days are fine, most of them. They go by quickly. I seem to fill them with things, then it’s time to cook dinner and the sun sets again.
And then the ‘what on earth are you going to do with your life’ sense of impending doom comes back. All that energy and excitement that I felt coming home, that feeling that everything was going to be ok, it dissipated that Wednesday after I came home. Vanished. I got sick and the doubts crept in and set up camp in my head and they come back each evening.
For the first time in my life I’m looking at a future beyond 30. It’s not that I didn’t think I’d make it that far, but 27 always felt like such a huge obstacle to overcome that I never really thought ‘long term’. It probably seems ridiculous for anyone who has been there, done that. But it’s true. So now I’m back home and trying to work out which direction to take to make the next 10 years happy ones (for as much as I can be in control of that). I came home to create a happier, healthier future. That bit I know.
I’m back to running, slowly but surely I will pound that pavement until I feel like I can call myself a runner. I will use that time each morning to get out of my own head and just focus on running up that hill that looks like it’s flat until you’re running up it. I will make goals that are just for me and smile when I reach them and remind myself that there’s always tomorrow when I don’t quite make it.
As for work, well I’m really not sure. I don’t want to be a web designer long term. I got burnt out so badly by the end of last year that I couldn’t stand to look at code anymore, and with the time away from the computer, travelling and seeing people I realised just how bad it is for an introvert to work from home on her own ALL THE TIME. I couldn’t believe how much I loved the interaction with other people at Alt. How much people understood my story more when I told it in person. How good it felt to laugh with people and not just into my computer screen.
I know I need to find something that I love to do, that I’m good at, that gets me out of the house. I still want to run my own business, but I want it to be something that I want to do long term, not just something that will bring in the cash short term. It will be creative, because this is at my core. 20something years of drawing, writing and dreaming tell me that this is key. Whilst I love travel – I love that the memories are all mine. I thought about trying my hand at travel writing, but this trip made me realise it’s the joy I get out of travel that I cherish not the writing, and I worry that making it a job would take that away from me. A very selfish thing, I know.
I’m trying to be zen about all this not knowing and let it come to me organically, in the way it always does when things are meant to be, but the tutting and the (well meaning) asking what I’m doing now, are making me doubt myself. Thankfully I came home with a cash buffer, and I have a bit more time time to get my shit together. Sometimes I feel like I should just get in the car and drive until it comes to me, but then I remember that I’m not on my trip anymore and I don’t have a car. So I run when I can, and remind myself that I’m lucky that I had a home to come back to and time up my sleeve and when all else fails, I turn the music up as loud as I can and I sing my lungs out where no one can hear me missing the notes and sounding ridiculous.
It will all work out eventually, I just know it. Hopefully eventually comes soon. x
A Litte Bit of News
Hello! I have more awesome posts from the 27 adventure coming soon, but today I wanted to share with you that this year I also have a column over at the Creative Women’s Circle, an awesome Aussie based creative resource. I will be writing their Organise Me column sharing tips and ideas about getting organised for all things creative.
My first piece is about getting organised for a conference like Alt, but these tips can work for any creative conference really. I’d love for you to have a read of it. You can find it here!
Also, this is my 400th post and I just wanted to thank you all for all of your support over the years. I love that you’re a part of this. x
Do Something That Scares You Everyday
There was a time, not too long ago, where I was miserable. It was pretty awful and I was not so fun to be around. I wanted to break the cycle, but I was struggling to find a way. I was lost and things didn’t seem to be working out as I had planned. I wanted something more. So I applied for some jobs and I made a decision: I want to live an intentional life, finding what makes me happy and making sure that I feel alive.
It was then that I decided that I would try to live by this saying: Do something that scares you everyday.
Then a series of things happened. I got a full time job. I decided that I was going to do what ever it took to make my dream of moving to Canada come true and I found my focus and lost that miserable feeling.
Fast forward to now, I don’t really manage to do something that scares me everyday, but I do try to take the opportunities that I would otherwise shy away from. So I went to Problogger and to the $100 Startup Meetup and when the opportunity for me to participate in Ulyana’s True Beauty Project came up, I put my hand up and said yes.
Now, this was definitely on the scary list. I don’t like to be photographed much. It makes me nervous. I do try to be in photos sometimes. But I am more your jeans and a tshirt and messy hair than dressed up. I’ve never really felt all that pretty, even at 5 I knew that I was going to be more of the brains. The photographer called all the other girls in my Prep class “Princess” but he called me “Pumpkin”. Why I remember that, I don’t know.
But this was a challenge that I set for myself. Do it even though it scares you. It will be ok. And it was. I was really nervous, but Ulyana was so kind. I could see she was struggling with this girl that didn’t want to look at the camera (sorry, Ulyana!!). But she managed some amazing shots. All her magic!
Here a just a few:
It was as nerve wracking to do as it was to share them, but people were lovely and kind, and most seemed to understand how hard it is to put yourself out there, or maybe some didn’t even realise what a challenge it was for me. But never-the-less, people were awesome when I first shared them on facebook and twitter, and while I don’t see myself becoming fancy any day soon (haha), I’m so glad that I took that challenge and have some nice photos to show for it.
My favourite photo of all of them is now my image for this blog and for my social media sites. I love it because I’m 2 seconds from bursting out laughing and that’s just so me!
Thank you, Ulyana, for taking such wonderful photos and for giving me the opportunity to challenge myself. I am very thankful for your generosity and for the chance to be part of something so awesome.
x
