26 years ago today our world turned upside down (kind of like in the fresh prince of bel air but less fun). It was on that day that my mother passed away. It wasn’t something that we knew was coming and it changed everything.
Today, like the 25th of July every year (since I was 17) I take the day off. I do things she can’t and I swing from sad to blessed to feeling let down by the universe and modern medicine and by people who think that 26 years is more than enough time to ‘get over it’.
But here’s the thing: you don’t get over it. Sometimes you don’t even move on. It just moves with you and sits there like a silent friend (or foe) that likes to jump out at you when you least expect it.
I went to a class on grief counselling at my high school. It was for people who wanted to help others deal with their grief and it was usually people who had gone through something themselves that made up those counsellors. It never went any further than that, but I do clearly remember one of the things the lady running the session said: for many people, grief comes back at special occasions where their loved one isn’t there. At weddings, family celebrations, at births.
It’s different for everyone and there is no ‘fix all’.
I don’t need a fix all, this is part of who I am now, and part of who I will always be. Her passing is woven in me just like birthdays and overseas trips. They become part of who we are and what we are to the world. I don’t want to ‘get over it’, I want to remember her and the fact that without her I wouldn’t be here.
I move forward with the world trying to do what I love and leave this world a tiny bit better for having me in it. I don’t always succeed, but I do try.
Just because you may not be able to grasp a concept does not make it invalid. Be gentle on those who have lost loved ones, you don’t know what goes on in their heads or how they choose to deal with it.
Kindness goes a long way and I want to thank all the people I spoke to today who were exceptionally nice. I needed it as a stranger you didn’t know, but you did it anyway.
Today I organised my passport renewal to make this trip this one tiny bit closer. I’m going to make 27 count.
xx
You, lovely, lovely girl, are an amazing person & you do make the world better. I wish you didn’t have this woven through your life and through your family. Your advice in this post is wonderful for knowing it so intimately yourself. Big hugs to you today and every day. Xxx
Thank you lovely Cat. Your words mean so much to me. xx
Danielle,
This is everything I wanted to say last week and couldn’t. July 18th was the 2 year anniversary of my Mom’s death and it is all still to fresh and raw to put things out on paper. I too take the day off and hang out with my sisters.
You are completely right, there are some things that you just don’t get over.
Dearest Cassie, I hope that these words helped you, even a little bit. Big hugs to you and your family.
x
Sending love, support, and happy thoughts your way…I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through that and I’m sure it never goes away. But I’m so glad you’re able to to remember / honor her memory while living your life too.
Thank you lovely lady. Your words and support mean so much to me, I’m lucky to call you my friend. xx
I’ve just found your blog, but this comment “I don’t need a fix all, this is part of who I am now, and part of who I will always be.” Is such a beautiful quote. Things happen in our life. Some people try to fix them, to undo, delete or re-write. But actually it can’t be fixed. It should sit where it sits as part of everything that created the “you” you are today.
Absolutely blown me away today as I have just written a post about a past situation I wish I could fix.. but it has made me who I am today , thankyou xxxx
Thank you so much for your comment Lisa. It means so much that you found this post and that it meant something to you.
Off to read your blog.
x