Last Friday was my half birthday. I am probably too old for half birthdays but there you go.
But it means something. There is only 6 months until I’m 27. My scary age. Generally aging doesn’t frighten me. I’m not one to shy away from telling people my age or feeling self conscious about it.
It’s not the aging that makes it a scary age. It’s who didn’t make it past 27 that makes it so damn terrifying.
You see, my mum was 27 when she died. Leaving her 3 babies and her partner and family behind.
It was always so far off before. So distant. But not any more. It’s creeping at me at a rate of knots. I had night terrors about it from the day I turned 26 for about 3 months.
It’s not logical, I know. But life is a fickle thing.
Have I done enough? Did I leave a positive mark?
I am looking forward to tomorrow and many tomorrows after that. But she is gone and it hurts a little more this year than most.
She had her flaws, like all humans do. But she was (and is) my mum. We missed out on a lot together, and that’s what makes me sad.
But I make my grand plans to live a more adventurous life in the hope that my 27 will have a happier outcome than hers did.
I know she’s looking out for us. I feel it. Just like the time something told me not to turn on the green arrow and a car came past seconds later at 100km through the red light. Or when I’m about to make a scary decision and something tells me to go for it.
I’m not asking you to understand or even believe.
It is what it is. All I can think as tears run down my cheeks is: hug your loved ones tight and live the best life you can.
*hugs*
Damn… I have no idea of what you must be going through. None. I know how hard it hit HUBBY when he lost his mother at the age of 32, I can only imagine the impact to lose her when you’re so young.
I don’t think it’s crazy at all to be worried about it. I would be. Heck, for the 2 weeks before Sam was born I didn’t sleep properly because I was so paranoid that something would happen to my parents and they would never have the chance to meet the life we were bringing into the world.
The mind is a powerful device and you can never underestimate just where it will take you.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re right about her looking over you. And you’re right about appreciating those in your life while you have them here to appreciate them.
As someone currently battling with fear, I just want you to know that I understand a little of what you’re going through but you (and me) can’t let fear stop you (us) from living the life you (we) deserve.
I’m thinking of you, willing you through this barrier and ready to celebrate you achieving your goals and making your 27th year one you look back on positively.
*hugs*
Bless you lovely, Ange. It’s taken me years to write about her, but I’m glad I have people like you to read about it and to remind me that it’s ok.
Thank you xo
A big hug to you Dannielle. I can’t imagine what it would be like without my Mum. I’m sure she’s so proud of you and what you’ve written about her here.
thank you Emma! that’s very sweet of you!
Thanks for taking the time to comment. x
Beautiful post hun! I am 26 and a half but keep telling people I am 27 already!
I don’t think you are too old for half birthdays and I still have chats with my grand mother who died when I was 9.
Sending you big hugs (and I don’t hug lightly) I hope 27 is a year full of adventure and wonder for you!
Thank you, Elle! I will keep that hug for when I need it most. x
Milestones are a funny thing. Life is one big, scary adventure and I think you are doing amazing things with it. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose someone so close so young, but I bet she is very proud of you. And I totally believe!
Thank you lovely, Kellie. x
Beautiful, Dannielle. Both you and the writing. x
Thank you sweet, Sally.So kind of you to say. x
I felt a bit the same way passing 24, the age my older sister passed away. It didn’t terrify me but it was a bit scary and just weird really. I still think of her as older than me now though. Big hugs lovely girl xox
Thanks Mikaela, it’s not easy is it. Big hugs right back at you. xx
Really touching words Danielle – your writing really does make me want to hold all my loved people close. x
Thanks L. x
What courage it took to share this Dannielle! I am so sorry for your loss and for all of the fear and insecurities that came with it. Like some of the others said, the mind is a funny thing….if you can try to focus on the positive things you’re doing and where you’re going, maybe that will help. Sending you prayers and love from halfway across the world!
Thank you Sarah! I am already feeling 1000x better just for sharing this. It’s like a weight has been lifted off. I hope you have a lovely day. xx
I’m sorry I missed this post lovely. I think it’s wonderful of you to be so honest about your fear. I think admitting the fear is the most important thing & sharing it hopefully lessens the load for you. Fear doesn’t need to be rational. I admire you so much for your resilience, your kindness and positivity. You’ve certainly made a mark on a number of souls Dannielle, including mine. Xxxxx
Thank you lovely Cat! Your words mean so much to me, so it’s lovely that you took the time to write them. The weight has lifted a lot since sharing. xx
[...] The day I have been dreading for as long as I can remember. My 27th Birthday. I talked about it here about 6 months [...]